I usually have found myself writing about my thoughts in relation to the previous week. My incessant ramblings have interwoven with the pandemic, the impact on mental health and the observations at this most strangest of times. I have always found myself sat here on a Monday night mindlessly tapping away at this increasingly battered laptop searching for something, a thought, a phrase that would somehow make a kind of sense to me as I found myself literally wandering through my thoughts, today has been different.
Today has been more focussed on immediacy, on there ere and now from the moment I woke up to my wife and daughter saying that our cat was about to die. There’s a sense of the dramatic as I sit here writing these words, “I felt the last rattles as his life left his body!”
Having watched him struggles over the last few weeks since his operation, today has been a blessing and a painful one at that. The suddenness of his death, although always a possibility following the recent trauma of amputation and the preceding cancer, has struck me numb and impacted my family. My daughter grieves and is angry and frustrated and we hold her through this, remembering that we too are struck by what has happened and experience the usual flights of anger guilt, denial, shame and blessed relief.
Loss always hurts. The gap left by bereavement is always large, sometimes its breadth is unknown, I find myself wondering what Hiro makes of all this, or our younger cat Rosa, what sense do they have of all this, Wasabi’s scent will still linger fr quite a while for them and will slowly leave over time, whereas we humans are more aware of the physical missing, the long hair, his size, and his very presence.
I recently read on bereavement, that the hole in the world is always there, but slowly you start to notice the other things. Now of course, there is just the hole in the world. This chasm made by something so small in comparison, I find myself missing his annoying shout for tuna at 6:45pm every night. I and my family will start to notice other things, a Christmas draws near and there is a semblance of fun and frivolity, with ZOOM Christmas parties, cards and secret Santa’s, as we bid farewell to this ugly and frustrating year that has been filled with pain and hurt and loss and fear, we will notice other things, however for now they seem a little less bright and the colour, a little more muted.
Sincerely Yours, Paul